Yesterday, Chelsey at Clean Eating Chelsey wrote a post that struck a chord with me. She talks about her transition from feelings of, “Why me?” to “Why not me?” while dealing with food allergies.
When I was first diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, it was total survival mode. I was trying to choke down my prednisone, take my other medication like I was supposed to, keep a food journal, try not to upset my stomach, and oh yeah, go on a retreat, give one of five talks that the weekend was centered around, and finish out the second semester of my sophomore year of college. (Whew!)
In other words, I did not have time to feel sorry for myself. I just dove right in to figuring things out and eating a teeny tiny diet that consisted mostly of McDonald’s chicken nuggets, cheddar cheese, roast beef sandwiches, baked potatoes, toast, water, and lemonade. (I know. It’s random. Don’t ask.)
With my family a few months before diagnosis. My mom always tells me how pale I look in these pictures.
I really just kept moving forward, because I didn’t have time to stop and think that it was so unfair.
And then at one point, I did stop to think about how unfair it all was. It was suddenly pity party, table for 1. I struggled to figure out how to eat healthy and accommodate my mad little colon. I hated the side effects to my medication (not the same one I’m on now) that were similar to symptoms of my disease. And honestly, above all else, I hated that I was in a brand new relationship and farting all the time. I hated that I couldn’t always go out with my friends because my stomach felt like it was eating itself.
So I spent the end of my sophomore year wallowing. Lamenting over weight gain (thanks, predisone), food, and what seemed to be the death of my social life.
This is the saddest picture of myself I could find. I'm in a jail cell on Alcatraz Island. I suppose it could be some metaphor about how my negative attitude imprisoned me or something. But it's not. I'm not that fancy.
I am not sure what got me out of that slump. Little by little, things started to change. I started to learn what foods I could tolerate. My disease was put in remission. I learned that, while I’m in remission, I can eat a much wider variety of foods. I eventually got rid of the extra prednisone weight. But most importantly, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and putting limitations on myself. I trained for my first marathon. And then my second, third, and fourth. I started doing triathlon.
I stopped worrying about why I have ulcerative colitis and started focusing on how I could use that to change my thinking. At first it was small — I realized that you never know what somebody has going on inside. Despite outward appearances that seem normal, someone can have a world of hurt raging inside. Eventually, it became bigger. I made connections. I started talking about my UC openly. I joined Team Challenge.
As Chelsey put it, “Why not me?” There’s nothing extraordinary about me that should shield me from this disease. So I choose to take it, learn from it, and keep on living.
Because I can.
What about you? Have you ever spent a long time feeling sorry for yourself? If you talked yourself out of it, how?
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Such a beautiful post, Lauren! I’m so glad that my post struck a post with you and it led you to tell more about your story! I enjoyed reading it!
chelsey @ clean eating chelsey recently posted..why not me?
and by struck a post, I mean struck a chor. It’s only 6:00 AM.
Thanks, Chelsey. I still love the way you put it. “Why not me?” just clicked with me. So many of us spend a lot of time in the “Why me?” phase. I know people who have never left it. But when you really sit down and think about it, that’s a pretty self-important thought process! What’s so fancy pants about you (not you, Chelsey, but you in general) that means you SHOULDN’T have to deal with this stuff?
Thanks for such a thoughtful post! And after just two years gluten free! It’s taken me six and a half years of living with UC to get to this point.
My mom always told me, “God only gives these things to those He knows can handle them.” At first I brushed it off as total BS, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. No way could my brother or sister have handled things the way I was; no way anyone else in my family could have held their heads high and kept positive the way my mom did when she had cancer. That’s not to say no one else would have survived like we did, but… lets just say…. some members of my family like attention and sympathy a lot and would have made everyone else really miserable if they were sick, haha. Things would have been milked for all they were worth! People would have been rude to/questioned/ thought they knew more than doctors, etc.
Finally I realized she was right. God picked me because I’d be able to deal with it all. And once I knew I COULD do it, there was no option. The meltdowns became less frequent and I held my head high, downplaying to everyone who asked. I really did trust that I was “chosen” for a reason, and obviously, my momma was right. Again.
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You know, I’ve always hated that expression, too, and didn’t make the connection here at first. I do believe we’re not given more than we can handle, you’r right. But in times of crisis sometimes it’s frustrating to hear, “God never gives you more than you can handle.” It almost made me angry. I’d think, “Well I can’t handle this!”
I like “Why not me?” because it has more ownership to it, I think. But you’re right. At the core, they’re the same. Huh.
Beautiful post, Lauren– thanks for sharing your heart with us
The thought “why not me?” is extremely powerful. You often hear sentiments about ‘it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you react to it’… but when it’s actually happening it is so easy to get frustrated & discouraged.
I have definitely spent (I am tempted to say “wasted”… but I like to believe everything happens for a reason) a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. …And I wish I could say how I finally came out of it, but for me it was really just time. I needed *significant* time to grow. I hope that in the future, I can take all that I’ve learned & handle the situation gracefully… keeping my eyes on ‘the big picture’.
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When you’re in the thick of things, it’s so difficult to see big picture. For example, I can’t drink tea because it is difficult for my body to process properly. When I found this out, I went into total “why me?” mode and lamented this lost beverage as if it was something I drank at all hours of the day. In truth? I’ve never found tea that I liked!
One day we’ll all be able to handle life’s struggles with grace. But until then, at least we’re learning from them!
such a good post. i definitely get stuck in that type of mindset the more stressed or overwhelmed i am. but i am definitely MORE likely to believe in myself when I am thinking “why not me?” Also just sounds so much more confident…right!?!
Exactly. “Why not me?” has two meanings for me:
1. What’s so fantastic about me that I should be immune to struggles like this? Suck it up, other people have it a lot worse and aren’t whining like this.
2. Why can’t I do that? Bring it.
And I like both of them.
I love this change in perspective! Sometimes its so easy to feel sorry for ourselves so its great to turn it into a positive. Challenges build character and you are a better person for learning to work with yours. Thanks for sharing!!
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Thanks, Sam!
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